Mr. Cubic Zirconia here, dear reader.
[[ASTERISKS = Edited by the wife. See footer for the real story.]]
My wife and I have gone on record for years stating that a couple’s relationship defined by an “I love you because I need you" frame isn’t the best; frankly-- though, unfortunately, it’s probably more the norm than the exception-- this kind of dependence is unhealthy for a couple in love.
It’s one of the core tenets of our philosophy of relationships-- anything less than the reverse-- and totally acceptable and understandable-- “I need you because I love you” is what the youngsters these days call a ‘situationship’ (at best).
When you think about it that way, it’s no real surprise when situationships become marriages...and end when the situation ends, is it?
Instead, we’ve counseled that the more desirable relationship dynamic of "I need you because I love you" is the basis of a strong and loving couple’s relationship.
Sounds great in theory.
But don’t be fooled into thinking Mrs. Cubic Zirconia and I have everything figured out.
In total honesty, that ‘philosophy’ is more of an ideal than a reality-- even for us (I know, I know… how DARE we publish relationship advice on the internet when we don’t have a perfect marriage?).
Yep, while the goal may be 100% “I need you because I love you”, that’s more of a wish and a hope and a prayer than how me and our marriage have actually survived this far.
At least, it has been on my account because an indeterminate amount of the love and affection I feel for the woman who accepted my marriage proposal is indeed probably because of how she fulfills my needs (OTOH, my wife of course needs nothing and no one and strangers envious of her inner strength, chill vibes and happy-go-luckiness would probably hate her guts if she weren’t so kind).
WAIT A GOSH DARN MINUTE.
Am I the only person in our orbit who leans on their spouse WAY MORE than their spouse needs to lean on them?
If so, no one will want to read this. Just click away now. There’s nothing here for you but ammunition to embarrass me should you and me ever meet in person.
But if you, too, believe your significant other is some combination of loved and needed and you try hard to love him or her without taking for granted how much and how many wonderful things they do to meet your needs-- then yeah, maybe this story and lesson will have some value for you to read today.
Here goes.
More than 7 years before we actually got married I knew I probably wouldn’t survive without the woman I would go on to marry.
It wasn’t just that she’s just that freaking awesome*.
It was that one cold, long December after we’d been dating and even more or less living together-- she left the country for a month.
Here’s a blast from the past post I publicly published on social media and @tagged my girlfriend on the awful December day in 2010 when I knew I couldn’t make it without her, and perhaps-- just perhaps because it’s unconfirmed (my wife’s press office gave a curt “no comment” when asked**)-- the same day when she knew I was HER KIND OF CRAZY.
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Have you ever felt like your significant other is ‘your kind of crazy’?
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Well, well, well.
If there’s one reader out of 100 who can identify with my ups and downs and A.D.D. struggles I suppose it was worth telling that story publicly***.
But my hang-ups, flaws, and craziness aren't what this post is about.
Not really.
It's just a convenient example that I don't mind (too much) sharing publicly.
I’m ADD-to-the-nth degree, inconsistent at best, a big-picture dreamer, and chock full of both ideas and inner demons.
TBH, sometimes I think that without my wife by now I’d probably be homeless, wearing rags, eating dollar-lunch cup noodles and scribbling indecipherably in a series of notebooks on the side of the road-- each of which I stored in a relative’s basement after I had filled them with my chicken scratch.
Good thing I married a compulsively efficient, bankably-consistent, detail-oriented action taker who has taught me so much about how to take pleasure in small things, how to choose happiness, and how to break big dreams down into small steps****.
(RANDOM ASIDE I CAN'T HELP: I still scribble in notebooks. But at least these days I can afford pretty much whatever I want for lunch-- and people actually read my scribblings and give me money).
IMHO, and here’s the point: the number one reason for much of what makes my life great is that I chose the right spouse with the right kind of crazy.
What’s your kind of crazy?
Your marriage mileage may vary.
Whatever your personal craziness is, and however it differs from my own-- our own, if you include my wife because TRUST ME she has her own special kind of crazy-- I hope today’s post gives our readers some inspiration and some concrete tools to use for how to find that crazy, how to harness it, and how you and your significant other can serve and support each other in ways that you NEED in order to LOVE THEM and LOVE YOURSELF the best each of you can.
Gonna leave you with just one thought-- especially for that reader who hasn’t yet chosen someone to love and cherish for the lifetime of ups and downs together that we call marriage.
Find a life partner who helps you find peace and complements your strengths.
My wife is amazing.
She can do anything*****.
I love her because I need her. I need her because I love her. And I’m not ashamed that I can’t tell how much of the total is from which reason.
I wish you, too, a spouse whose praises you can’t help but sing****** .
Do that and everything else about a loving and committed marriage is just a bonus if you ask me.
Onward and upward,
-- Mr. Cubic Zirconia
[Semi-private note to Mrs. Cubic Zirconia I’m gonna publish on this blog just for the hell of it: I guess I’m just your kind of crazy*******, babe]
* Edited by the wife: Surely you realize by now that he is prone to exaggerate?
** Edited by the wife: I don’t actually have a press office, that’s absurd. My boyfriend at the time asked me over coffee when I got back in the country if that post he tagged me in on socials described why I loved him. I said ‘no’. That was it. And yes, I did later marry the guy. So I suppose SOMEONE is crazy around here.
*** Edited by the wife: This is among the most authentic, vulnerable blog posts I’ve seen my husband share in the last decade with our community. It seems like a joke, but it’s not funny to him or to the people who love him. As someone who’s been by his side for many, many years I can for sure have sympathy with any spouse out there who gave their heart to a man or woman that also suffers from attention deficit issues, mania and/or chronic depression. I suspect over the years we’ve attracted into our orbit other men and women who struggle in the same ways we do-- as individuals and as a couple. Likely in these ways too?
**** Edited by the wife: Don't forget, honey, how I taught you to hide a key on your property so that getting-locked-out-in-your-socks-in-the-snow thing doesn't happen again.
***** Edited by the wife: My husband can be silly sometimes. And I don't mean to minimize the very real mental health challenges that he has-- nor those even more serious challenges that plague some others-- but really all Mr. Cubic Zirconia needs is to slow down, have patience and do things efficiently the way I've told him to do it (instead of running around like a chicken with his head cut off). LOL I love doing these sneaky post-publication edits. Wonder if anyone ever reads them?
****** Edited by the wife: My husband is never afraid to get up there and perform, but he cannot sing very well. He does, however, think he can. And after a few drinks, he's certain. Invite us to karaoke night at your own risk. Personally, I think it's at least...entertaining.
******* Edited by the wife: Yep. You’re kinda crazy alright, sweetie. :)
