I’ll be honest.
Sex after marriage with kids isn’t always the easiest.
There's unscheduled sex and there's no schedule for sex.
But one of the easiest ways to create the perfect environment for sex to happen naturally is to challenge your significant other to a sweet and spicy couple’s game night.
Like an old-fashioned game night with a naughty nipple twist.
It’s already hard (cue erection joke from that lady in Ohio who always replies to our emails) to make these moments happen in a life filled with work, kids, responsibilities, priorities and to-dos.
So instead of telling ya to go buy one of the hundreds of “sexy adult board games” you can find on Google, let’s keep it easy and pick games you probably already have lying around the house-- in the closet, cabinet or basement.
We’re going to change the rules of each game to make it sexier.
Let’s do it.
Rule changes: Money is less important than what intimate physical acts you can persuade your partner to give you in lieu of that rent payment. Yep, if he or she lands on your property then it’s time to up the ante with the physical touch and kissing.
No house on the property? Maybe you’ll accept a brief kiss. A house costs a bit extra. 2 houses on the property? It’s gonna take some serious tongue to clear that debt, sweetie. Three houses? I’ll have to think about the non-cash price on that, but while I do go ahead and take off your shirt. Did you really just land on my hotel group? And you don’t wanna pay cash? Wow, things are about to heat up! Come with me because I have a special no-rent-today deal for you in this private bedroom over here.
And the spiced-up fun isn’t just for kinky landlord-tenant roleplaying, either. It’s fundamental to deal-making, too. She wants that final railroad from you? Yours for the regular Monopoly bucks price plus I want you to be a bedroom beast later tonight and make my toes curl up like that one time.
Want to take it up another notch? Here are two variation add-ons you could try:
- Every time you land on “Free Parking,” your partner gives you five minutes of oral sex.
- If you land in jail, then you must give your partner five minutes of oral sex.
Rule changes: Play like you normally would with poker chips or coins. But the idea in "Favor Poker" is that before you start playing, each player must write down 10 favors he or she is willing to perform for the winner of that favor wager. Instead of wagering with money or poker chips alone, the players can bet favors, too. Before you begin, write your favors on little strips of paper, then fold them up and give them each a value from 1 to 10 that you write on the outside.
A favor might be performing a certain chore you know someone else doesn’t like. It could be making a favorite meal. Taking the kids for four hours while your partner pursues a hobby. Or it could be more intimate favors, too. A five-minute strip tease may be a one in your view, or it may be a ten. Only you know the value of what you’re giving up. Any favor bet during a poker hand must be matched by one or more favors by the other player(s) that equal the same value. For example, you might bet your “4” rated favor and your partner responds by matching your wager with their “1” and “3” rated favors together.
Special note: I don’t recommend playing this with multiple couples unless you’re into the swinging scene. Cuz you never know who besides you is gonna to try to “cash in” on your wife’s promised lap dance.
Rule changes: I don’t know about you but I’ve been playing this simple card game since I was about six years old. It’s much more fun as an adult, though-- especially when you get creative about the rules. There are three new rules in this lovers’ version of the classic kids’ card game.
When you both play the same matching card and have a “war” where you place cards face-down as a wager on your next face up card being the highest, the winner of that battle gets not only the face-down cards but also a five minute massage. When he plays a King and wins a round, his partner owes him a passionate kiss. When she plays a Queen and wins a round, her partner owes her a passionate kiss. What’s that you say? That’s not fair because a King is inherently higher in value in card games (and thus likelier to win than a Queen)? You’re absolutely right...yet as a man, I make no apologies for that. I didn’t make the rules LOL.
What if you outlast your partner to amass all the cards and win the game itself? Whoever wins this version of War gets to enjoy the "spoils of war" in the form of being spoiled by their partner-- who has to do whatever the winner wants for the rest of the evening.
Rule changes: Play as you normally would, but integrate sexy/dirty words for bonus points and special experiences. Any time you play a double-word scorer, you get to remove one item of your partner's clothing. Triple-points? That’ll be both the top and bra off, please.
Once your opponent’s clothes are completely off, all you have to do is play a sexy word on the board and your partner must then perform that act on you. It’s a race to see who gets the points, first...but don’t forget to hold back any special letters you’re gonna need to spell that special thing you want your partner to do for you.
Now, where did I put that ‘J’ to go with this ‘B’?
Want to tone down the implied sex pressure and make it more intimate and romantic? Sure, try this variation: forget about requiring sexual favors for your spelling of that act after he or she is naked. Instead, just limit the acceptable words that can be played for points to only those words that are complimentary, sexy, romantic or loving. Instead of looking words up in the dictionary to confirm they’re a legit play, you might require your partner to use his or her played word in a sentence about you.
Some ideas to get you started:
- butt, kiss, suck, lick, hot, hard, horny, breast, cream, blow, oily, foreplay, nibble, dildo, penis, vagina, lube
- love, loving, special, lucky, sweet, great, best, worthy, smart, cute, marriage, happy, quality, better, together
Rule changes: The NSFW version of this classic game ain’t appropriate for children, either. You probably remember eating a lollipop while lying on your belly in a circle with a bunch of other kids around the square board-- all laughing and playing together. This Chutes & Ladders version will be completely different-- unless you want to include lollipops, of course. And why not? No one is gonna judge your kinky behind here on the interwebs.
How do you get your chutes and ladders adult version on? Simple: If your play piece lands on a ladder, you owe a sexy touch to your partner somewhere above his or her waist. Land on the chute instead? Time to take that touch downtown. You may finish the game. You may get hot and not. If you don’t finish the game, please don’t call our shop complaining that you wanted to “win”. We wanted a date with Denise Richards.
Rule changes: This is caveman-level creativity here, but don’t knock it until you try it. Just play as you normally would...sans pants and doff the top. Yep, no clothes. For a game that was pretty much invented for horny teenagers-- and where fully-clothed play can already serve as a sort of foreplay-- we’re gonna do something that probably would have horrified your parents a decade or three ago...because y’all be playin’ nekkid.
The awkward contorted positions alone almost ensure physical intimacy...and hilarity. This twisted date night fun is not for those with a faint heart-- or those needing a hip or knee replacement, for that matter. When you hang out with your wang out, you could get hurt. Your smilage may vary.
Rule changes: There are so many versions of this game available, so just use whichever one you already have at home. I’m assuming the version you have already has trivia that interests you, unless you bought the Star Wars version twenty years ago when you were trying to make it with that Han Solo fangirl at the nerd convention. The point is this: play like normal.
All we’re doing here is modifying the rules a bit. When you answer a question that normally would earn you a pie piece, you can get the pie piece AND require an article of your opponent’s clothing to be immediately removed...OR you can choose to get no pie piece and instead enjoy five minutes of oral sex from your opponent before starting play up again.
When you know the answer, the force is with you young Jedi.
There’s nothing trivial about the pursuit here. It’s like a race to see who comes...in first place.
OK, dear reader.
That’s 7 spicy couples’ rule-changes games for you horny homebodies out there to try.
You should feel free to change and adapt these suggested rules as you play.
The idea is to get creative, have fun and get your sexy back.
However, you should not feel free to invite my wife to play with you.
(trust me, her hands are too full to accept your kind invitation anyway)
One last thing…
To my ultra-competitive friends or subscribers reading this:
Out of literally hundreds of games played, I've only lost 3 games of Monopoly in my entire life. Even before my business career gained more success than failure, I always excelled at the boardgame “play” version of business. I mean, I was aggressive and could literally dominate to the degree that people stopped wanting to play with me, would even sometimes cry at how intense the game would become-- and I’m sad to say that I even lost more than one friend over a damn boardgame.
They’d call me a cheater for coming up with creative and persuasive deals that weren’t “normal” but weren’t prohibited by the rules either (“Sure, I’ll sell you your 4th railroad for $1000. But you’ve got to let me land rent-free on all four railroads...and pay me $100 every time you collect from someone else for the rest of the game”).
Frankly, I’m sad to say that my competitive nature made it so my own wife Mrs. Cubic Zirconia wouldn’t play this game with me anymore.
Why am I telling you this? Just in case you are the same kind of stubborn-ass who always has to “win”. That part of you doesn’t work here. Whether you play with just him and her, him and him, her and her, or a bunch of one or the other-- or both-- keep in mind that “Winning at any cost” isn’t worth it when couples’ game night comes along.
Winning in this game isn’t just winning the game. It’s winning the game within the game: the special, quality time you’re getting here, together with the one you love.
-- Mr. Cubic Zirconia